Back by popular demand... Pigman. All the events of this story are true.
The story of Pigman/How it all began
Once a long time ago, on a street named Jubillee, there lived a young man-child named Kev. He lived with Fleshy and Daisy. The yard did not have a fence, so Kev rigged up a clothesline- kinda-deal which Fleshy and Daisy would put on their harnesses and then run around the yard, in long, straight lines.
Now, Jubille is a magical, busy place. Where all sorts of interesting people went about their business. Sometimes these people would catch the attention of Daisy, would would bark.
Since the Man-who-lived-downstairs hated all animals, Daisy couldn't bark. Fleshy never barked, cause he was a rabbit.
So one day, man-child Kev put Daisy and Fleshy outside, and heard the most awful barking and yelling! Fearing it was Man-who-lived-downstairs being beaten by a poodle, man-child Kev ran down the stairs, threw open the door, and leaned out the door to see what the commotion was!
There, against the house, was a man. He was backed up against the house, palms pressed against the stucco, no where to go. Daisy was barking and jumping at him. Luckily her clothesline leash did not allow her to make contact with him. Daisy was hell bent on tearing this guy to pieces! Fleshy was off somewhere just being Fleshy. Cause he was a rabbit. Rabbits don't bark or try to eat people usually.
Man-child Kev called out to the furious poodle, and called her back. Offering his apologizes to the man. The man, who was quite startled, and may I add, was wearing dress shoes AND shorts! Just stared at me in bewilderment.
As his shock faded, he turned and ran. He had the most peculiar run, a sort of limping lope, not at all human. He looked over his shoulder at me, and made a squeal, and took off out of the yard.
Now all of that may not sound like such a big deal, right? Well, that's what I thought too! But the next day, when I came home from school, I walked up the stairs, and past the kitchen. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed that someone was in the kitchen, looking in the cabinet under the sink. That was the cabinet we kept the cleaning supplies in.
Now, this was very much out of the ordinary, because no one that lived in that house ever went into that cabinet, cause none of us ever cleaned...
I will write more on this later. Reliving the trauma of these past events has left me exhausted.
Alright dear friends, gather near, here is a story of a man to fear! The pig man continued....
I walked past the man in the kitchen, into the living room. This is where the TV was, and this is where I was expecting to find my landlord, Yellow Bob. Yellow Bob was yellow because he had some sort of disease, and he was Bob because his parents were not at all creative.
Yellow Bob would come to the house , and let workers in, drink our beer, etc, and sit and watch TV. We had cable, because we stole it from a neighbor. So of course we were happy to share it. Kinda like Robin Hoods of the late 1990's.
When I went into the living room, it was not Yellow Bob that I saw, but my roommates. I asked them if either of them knew why that man was in the kitchen. No one seemed too concerned that there was a man in the kitchen, rooting around under the sink.
So I went to my bedroom, and let out Daisy and Fleshy. As we entered the kitchen, Daisy’s hackles stood up, and she emitted a low growl. Her lips began to curl and her fluffy poodle tail stood straight out from her body! Fleshy slithered around to hide behind my legs.
The man in the kitchen, hearing us, or sensing us standing behind him, turned from rooting under the sink and stared me right in the eyes. We were both frozen in time for a brief moment. His big brown eyes, looked strange next to the pale folds of his skin. Even thought it was late into October, he still wore shorts, which looked odd with his pointy dress shoes. This was the same man from the other day that my dog had been barking at in the yard!
“Get the hell out of my kitchen” I yelled at him politely.
“Shut it, we’re watching TV!” came the response from the living room.
I heard the volume turn up on the TV. It was clear I was on my own.
The pigman, shoved the shopping cart towards me, but being a stolen shopping cart from Price Choppers, it veered suddenly and crashed into the wall.
I heard the volume on the TV go up again.
The pig man made a break for the stairs. Daisy, Man-child, and Fleshy hot on his heels! (I was carrying Fleshy, he wasn't much of a walker/runner). Man-child, poodle and rabbit, we chased him down the stairs, and when he got to the door, he ran outside, grabbed a rake from the yard, and took off on his ten-speed bike.
Truth be told, I was relived to see him leave. I am not scared of a fight. Not at all. It’s just all the paper work that I have to fill in after. (After showing an aptitude for karate as a child, I was legally registered with the police department as a lethal weapon)
The pig man took off down Jubliee on his bike, rake in hand.
I went upstairs to tell my roommates what had happened. “Shut it!, Star Trek is on!” and they turned the volume up.
It wasn’t until a few weeks later that I began to notice the neatly piled piles of leaves piled in the yard, and pigman sized hoof prints pressed into the lawn…
